tired.

thursday afternoon well. there comes a time in our lives when we really think to ourselves what our lives are all about. we ask ourselves if we really know who we are. then comes the hardest part. how we face up to our shortcomings, admitting them and then trying to change ourselves.

i say this having gone through it a few times the past 21 years of my life. it's been upsetting, no doubt about it yet the satisfying feeling at the end of it all far outweighs the hurt that i felt. pride? hah. isn't that such an overrated thing?

i honestly don't know how this entry is going to pan out. i'm feeling a whole lot of feelings now. anger, sadness, a sense of disappointment and well, to a certain extent a bit of self-induced depression. i wallow in self-thought and pity, thinking about things that could have, should have. the what-ifs. the fact that in a metaphorical way i was kicked in the gut when i was down and out. one blow after another. all in the span of 4 months. nothing seems to be going right, not even now. everytime i try to pick myself up something kicks me back down. i can't live this way anymore. perhaps that's why i feel taiwan would be a good chance to rediscover what i've lost in myself: confidence. happiness. optimism.

i'm tired of being cynical and pessimistic. tired of having to bash myself everytime i think about certain things. tired of being the one on the losing end. tired of having to fight against near-impossible odds. i'm just sick and tired of everything.

i hate holding on to false hopes. tired of cliche answers and reasons. tired of having to chase a dream that will never happen. tired of having to be the loser in the game of love. tired of being the nice guy that almost always ends up as 'the brother i never had'. i plain hate it. dare i say it, i'm sick and tired and almost nearing the point where i hate living my life. hate living this life of mine.

life's never fair and in retrospect. i've always been going against the odds. from studies to sports. from my social life to my professional one. me. the one fighting against odds to get to where i want. to get what i want. to always have to prove to people what i'm all about, what i'm capable of.


Human Nature - Cruel

You can say love's forever
And find it never stays
In you I've recovered
The one thing that must remain
I'm tired of a world undone
I've figured out you're my setting sun
It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other
Oh it's Cruel
Oh it's Cruel

I can hold back emotions
Get lost in a maze
But this urgency tells me
I just can't refrain
Dreams have come and passed me by
But now it's time to redefine (yeah)
It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other

I've seen it come and go so many times
But this is critical, the truth
I can't hide
(Can't hide)
And I don't know why

(And I don't know why, I don't know why)
Yeah, oh yeah
(So cruel)
So cruel, oh
It's cruel the way I'm loving you, oh yeah
(So cruel)
Cruel the way I'm loving you

It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
(It's cruel the way I'm loving you)
(Baby now I know it's true)
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other