silence.

sunday conversations. it's been a long while since i've been on msn so i haven't had any for a long while. in many ways it feels good, not being online to distract me from my work and stuff. what "stuff" encompasses i'm at a loss to explain but let's just leave it at that.

in any case. the week passed by pretty slowly as i anticipated. more so because i was ill and yet i had to work on my programming. was more frustrated at the high expectations and small window with which i had to work within. am i that good? i hope so. but i do need time to work on things too, more so now that i'm working on 3 programming projects at once. maybe dodging all those programming modules in poly wasn't such a good idea after all.

so back to conversations. it's been a pretty long while since i've had any with anyone. and in some weird way, i felt compelled to make a number of phone calls to certain people the past week. most importantly of course was calling back home. been a long while since i've done that. so i must apologise to my parents. i know my dad's been online waiting for me and i haven't been co-operative on my part. so yeah. sorry. hehs.

anyhows. calls were made. most were short chats, not more than 10-15 minutes. others were pretty long. up to an hour (or more?). specifically calls to chinx and sarah. more so because i needed advise about certain issues but that didn't limit the conversations to just that. ended up chatting for a long long time..

pardon me for the following rant. there are some things i just need to get off my chest. whether or not they're directed at anyone in particular i leave it up to you. my stand is, if you feel guilty or angry because of what i said, then maybe you are who i am referring to after all. agree?

so yeah. friends. we all have them. be it a small or large number of them i'm pretty sure we all have them. in any case, when things go wrong. the ones who stand by you are the ones who are really your friends. those who pick you up, encourage you and support you. they may not be there physically but their words, their text messages, emails, phone calls and tag board messages mean something. so all that's fine. but the disappointment comes when people who matter do neither. and knowingly so. that's what disturbs me. have i really trusted the wrong people? or have circumstances changed so much such that from great friends, we have degraded to this - being nothing more than just plain friends. worse still. they/you lie in my face about things. that's what i'll never accept. the lies, the masquerade that pretends to be a friendship. or maybe it's just me.

a couple of years ago, someone once described me as "vengeful yet deep down, has a great sense of loyalty and is a great friend to have". i still have the card. what struck me was not the loyalty and great friend bit. it was the word "vengeful". am i really? back in secondary school yes. i'll admit it. but now? perhaps. due to certain things that have happened. because of certain "friends".

for one, i am the kind of person who'll go all out to help people, to get things done and just be there for whoever it is. even if it's someone i resent, i will still help as best as i can. but having said that, i put myself at risk of being taken advantage of right? for example. i'm everyone's friend in the office. i shy away from the politics and everyone's smart enough to keep me out. i know too much about everyone to be on anyone's side but my point is. being friends with everyone is a hard task to keep up because then i'll have to put up with expectations, put up with rants and complaints. but what happens when the people i've trusted have let me down? or at least disappointed me? do i harbor ill-sentiments or just let it go. more so if we've been friends for so long. in some ways it's a betrayal of sorts. the huge disappointment i've felt and perhaps even disgust. how am i suppose to let it go just like that? gaining vengeance perhaps? so maybe i am still vengeful after all. for even thinking about it.

the thing is, there wouldn't be much point now would it? i'll do nothing more but cause more resentment and unhappiness. adding to the animosity isn't such a good idea even though it is very tempting. so for those friends that matter. thank you a whole lot. you know who you are. the ones who kept me going this past week. the 3 of you. the rest. well. disappointing doesn't quite cut it.

and to end this rather lengthy entry. everyone should go listen to bon jovi. really. especially their remade album "this left feels right" from 2003.

Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer

Once upon a time
Not so long ago

Tommy used to work on the docks
Union's been on strike
He's down on his luck...it's tough, so tough
Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man, she brings home her pay
For love - for love

She says we've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot

[Chorus:]
Whooah, we're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer

Tommy's got his six string in hock
Now he's holding in what he used
To make it talk - so tough, it's tough
Gina dreams of running away
When she cries in the night
Tommy whispers baby it's okay, someday

We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot

[Chorus]

We've got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got

[Chorus]