sunday morning i'm tryin to remain upbeat.team weekend started yesterday and i had a good time.i know i made the right decision to skip floorball for church.cant be wrong.besides.there werent many people at training 'cause of interaction day.leeds won.at last.1-0.milner with the goal on 9th minute.but all said and done.my week has been pretty shaky.cedge's havin a tough time.chin's blog's gettin weird esp. her latest entry.i can only speculate who "you" is but i shall keep it to myself.within myself i'm fightin battles.everytime i'm in church i fight to keep the tears back.i put on a brave face and pretend that i'm not affected by the fact that after almost 3 years.nothing has progressed in terms of my relationship with jeanne.i'm only close to her before during and after antioch camp.plus minus 2 weeks or so.but virtually 48 weeks out of the 52 weeks in the year i've hardly any contact with her.irony is.i did the closin prayer for a sharing session and i prayed for her to be able to be with her bf (as much as he's a prick) for as long as possible.i guess when you love a person.all you want is for that person to be happy.so i guess i dont mind.as long as jeanne marilyn and geraldine's happy.i'll be fine.at least i hope i'll be.trust in God.all i have i place in His hands and i'm just living my life the way it plays out.i wonder why i'm living my life.i wonder what are the things that i most regret.perhaps the biggest in terms of relationships.back in sec 3.when the chance presented itself for me to get with chinx.but i fought the urge.and look where i am.look where she is.happier than i am.least thats what i think.but i'm really happy for her.at least i know there's one person that i care alot for that i dont have to worry much for in my life.here's a bigger irony.i place myself below jeremiah in the pecking order when it concerns jeanne.yet when i told bsc's matthew how i felt.he said that it was exactly what jere told him.its funny how two guys very much in love with the same girl lack the confidence and even doubt their abilities.but realistically speakin.he does stand a better chance.if at all.jeanne's said she's like us both at some point in time.but sometimes i get the feeling that she's just playin us.so i guess some girls are better off as friends.relationships aside.antioch camp is in two weeks.have invited matthew along and i'm silently confident he'll come.i'm just thinkin if i should call brian or not.i suppose he wont come but no harm tryin yeah? andrew gave a very deep sharing.and i guess i can relate and emphatise.knowing how it's like to be really tired out.lacking the drive and motivation to do God's work.losing contact with God and how to finally go back to Him.really looking forward to today's sessions and antioch camp itself.
my prayers tonight are with and for cedge.chinx.hanni (hope u'll have a better day).geraldine.giles.jeremiah.antioch community

sunday bought new pair of headphones..muahaha..comfy and nice..brand's Nike but its actually made by Phillips..anyhows..students in s'pore are either gettin more stupid or their gettin more stupid..since i left primary school.the psle top aggregate has been droppin steadily..and i'm sure it'll go down somemore..apparently this year's top score is 282..and oh wells..that speaks volumes countin that my year's top score was 288...it started droppin with the '86 batch of people..anyhows..i'm damn bored and i have no darn mood to type anything so i'll just shut my mouth and just watch Bad Boys on cable now..laters

friday morning bad-tempered day.flared-up on desmond durin a match.guess the lesson is.dont put two hot-tempered people on oppossing teams when there's only around 10 minutes left to play the damn game.patience was very thin and the match very VERY physical.ran into alicia at king albert park during dinner after training.just talked abit to geraldine on msn.damn sad man.my love life's getting nowhere..hah -_- -moans groans bitches and twitches- but hell.i'll go dreamin of the same 3..and another called elaine! muahahaha.i'm such an ass i tell u..have no damn idea how i can fall for 3 or 4 girls at the same time.all 4 having just about the same attributes..well damn it.i should be in The Bachelor or Joe Millionaire (then again i dont wanna be in Joe Millionaire)

wenesday morning bored as hell man.thank God O levels are almost over..can go out with people soon.hah! anyhows..floorball when well ok..not the best but good enough..still on form in terms of scoring..funnily enough..played on the same team as wanyi (mixed team today).. there was a flare-up between the girl's basketball team and the WHOLE floorball team over the use of the courts of which we'd booked all 3 courts..stupid butches in the girl's bball team were absolutely lame and childish..overheard: "our balls bigger than theirs.still dare to talk so much" ..like hello?! we've got sticks to hammer you with?! -rolls eyes- ok.that was childish too..but what the hell.i'm bored! :D wanyi.geraldine.marilyn.what a dream i'm gonna have when i sleep. -grin-

The Sunday Times.November 17th 2003.L30

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23) you may encounter difficulties possibly because you have been too occupied with gaining success. the stars suggest you turn your attention to that special someone in your life.


[ sounds damn true.but thing is.even if i turn my attention to her.i'm just not able to do anything cos she's unresponsive ]

--

sunday/monday morning i quote two words. "annoying protestants". much as christians pray to the same God and preach just about the same stuff.i'm gettin really f-ing pissed off by a couple of things.

1. ho yeow sun. pastor or singer? i'm just about convinced that she advertises her music in church and even uses church funds to do her own stuff.i know all this adds up to slandering and a whole load of other charges but i'm damned well entitled to my own views in my own blog.i'm also pretty convinced that the money collected from the congregation actually goes to herself and her husband (albeit a small portion.say maybe 1%?).whatever it is.i quote reverend kong hee from Sunday Times (Nov. 16.pg 3)."we have two cars.a small nissan sunny and a bigger audi...wealth and christianity are not mutually exclusive.the christian faith is not inconsistent with a successful fulfilling and satisfying life...i have learnt to live within my means.regular savings wise financial budgeting and no deficit spending."
now.my question is.where in freakin hell does all the money come from? by no means is the nissan sunny small anyway..for the record.i respect what the reverend's doing..missionary work and all that..but i've no love lost for his church.i'm sorry if i'm offendin anyone.but really.i see no sense in makin it compulsory for the congregation to "donate" 10-20% (maybe more i think) of their monthly salary to the church.i see no reason why city harvest church requires donations from outsiders by being a benefactor of the s'pore duck race thing.to be brutally honest.i refused to adopt a duck simply because i didnt want to contribute to chc in any way.kudos to saint gabriel's as well.when the papers ran an article about how big chc really was.st gabs concert band boycotted the rock auditorium in suntec when we found out it was owned by chc.i mean.think about it..for f-k do they need all the donations for? its not as if their contributing significantly to society in general..oh..did i mention she looks like shit too?

2. i'm damn sick and tired of christians and just protestants in general askin me to attend their meetings and activities.i hate the way most of them evangelise to others and i'm damn irritated by the fact that the roman catholics.who follow the jews..are being outnumbered by protestants (needless to say.protestants in general broke away from the catholic church).

3. church.its a committment that you are focused on because you want to and not because you have to.i'm really annoyed by the altar servers in bsc.the way i see it.most of them do what they do cos they have to.not because they want to.and this leads to conflict within the youth groups in church.

saturday grr..my -ahem- got whacked today by jason's shot..damn..and i mean DAMN bloody pain man..thank God it was only for a while..think i'm reachin my peak form for floorball..knocked in 7 goals today so i'm feelin pretty good about it..set up 3 or 4 others and i'm not sure how many other scrappy goals i scored..'cause i only took note of the first 7..heh :D thighs and my ass aches..muscles in development..hehe.. lookin forward to tuesday's training..somehow my confidence for gettin into the first team seems to be increasin..but i guess i shouldnt get my hopes up.. in other news..i'm puttin aside everything that doesnt really matter most now..that is..i'm just concentratin on floorball and the upcomin antioch camp

friday wahhh..body's goin to ache bad over the weekend man..came home today at about 2230/2245..was at sentosa the whole blardy day.was with some floorball people and some others i didnt know.anyways.played beach volleyball.beach soccer and beach basketball (?!) with one australian chap.went canoein for almost 3 hours too.haha.got a pretty ok tan. :D

floorball.floorball.floorball.floorball.floorball.floorball.floorball.floorball.floorball.. u get my drift.finally it started.and now i'm fixed on gettin one of 20 startin spots.heh :D

got this off dyls's blog.hehe

Afterlife as an Angel by childdoll
Your Name
Astrological Sign
Angel Type	Guardian Angel
Wing Color	White
Heavenly Weapon	Two short swords
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

this is interesting..very interesting indeed.. -sigh-

monday i'm doin fine.i'm doin fine.i'm doin fine.i'm so fine that first damn thing that happened today was a bloody argument with a bloody f-er from church.and oh.he's an altar server too.argued about the weddin dinner cause of the alcohol thing.what pisses me off most is the damn fact that all those friggin underaged altar boys drank so much that it got out of hand.thus causin the antioch people bein unable to consume any alcohol even though we were all past 18.but i'll try not to make any fuss because i had 5 glasses of red wine and 1 whiskey and brandy each.so basically the whole day i was on a pretty short fuse and am VERY pissed off with altar servers in bsc.just found out today from giles that there's a rift between antioch and the altar servers.so my havin problems with damien "fark-face" gay and jason "faggot" francis doesnt help the situation one bit.

--

the anger builds and i'm glaring
feels like something's lacking
in fear's eyes i'm staring

the fear is cast aside
my breath feels like it's from the lakeside
icy cold
vengence will not fold

a score to settle
like water boiling in a kettle
a clenched fist to the face
this punch's nothing but a phase

the spat continues
my patience still on a short fuse

monday morning jeanne.the one person who had possibly the greatest impact in my life.emotionally and psychologically.the mental block i had of her was pretty good.at least until saturday..while goin through one last practice for justin+eileen's weddin.she walked through the door of the CA room in church where i was lookin for my drumsticks.the moment i saw her.all hell broke loose inside of me.i just cant describe how heartbreakin it was.it eats me from the inside.and to sound cliche.it cuts deep.2 years on and i find myself strugglin with this.at the same time that i'm tryin as best as i possibly can to get with geraldine..the feelings carried over to the weddin mass and i almost screwed up.i misplayed 2 songs.the Lord's Prayer and the Offertory Hymn..still feelin the emotional strain of it as of now..after the mass.went back home to catch some sleep before goin for the matrix marathon at tiong bahru plaza..shows started at 2330 and ended sunday 0830..so was pretty tired when i got home.caught some sleep before headin to Merchant Court Hotel for the weddin dinner.had to set up my laptop for justin+eileen to use for their video and a presentation.to a certain extend i was greatful that jeanne didnt attend but ironically.it was with a tinge of sadness and hopelessness.i mean.i know she's havin problems with her other half now.but knowin what i felt for her 2 years ago.it just isnt easy for me to try to console her and offer her advice.and at the same time.she doesnt talk about her problems with anyone i know.yet i still get messages from her once in a long while.the latest bein just about 6 hours ago...

that aside.after 9 years of courtship.justin and eileen tied the knot on saturday with a brilliant ceremony in church and a wonderful dinner.was great to be with antioch people again.workin together to make something work.and i'd say it was a job well done by all of us (save for my screwed drummin on saturday).had a 6 course dinner spoilt only by the altar servers who attended the dinner as well.all of them were underaged and well.they drank alcohol and drank alot as well.pissed me off real bad because when edwin found out.the waiters were told not to serve anymore alcohol to any of the two tables occupied by the altar servers and antioch.giles.sherman.victor and myself were visibly angry with the altar servers.but i wont let somethin like this spoil a day that was pretty good.right now.two names are all that's in my head.jeanne.geraldine.guess i'll go to sleep tonight with a heavy heart and tearing eyes..and it times like this i just wish i were at the beach with either of them.even marilyn would be great to have and to hold for life..i'll never understand why i ever gave up on marilyn..never did.never will

friday morning i'm really goin insane man..really..i am..got so much on my mind and this week has been very hectic..eileen's weddin is drawin nearer..i think i'm ready for her mass.so that's fine..basic theory test was on wednesday..laughed quite abit at the questions..but i'll keep quiet on whether i think i'll pass or fail..heh..for fear of repercussions (well.i did say i'd pass on my 1st try didnt i?).am in a physically good condition i think.body's in real good shape though i think i need more work on my upper body..too small.hai..see? more worries (albeit self-inflicted)..need some relief now too.am really goin crazy over her..some how the dang n'syc song really fits now.."i drive myself crazy.wanting you the way that i do".. =| but hey! idea! hanni..lets get together yeah? we'll both be pleased we've got a bf and a gf.hahaha -slaps self- what'd i tell ya? i'm goin insane..dun have to take any retests or recoursework but i'm still stressed out..lookin forward to next tuesday..floorball..but damnit..she'll be there too..so not really looking forward to it =| duno man..mind and heart are both in a mess.. -sigh-

monday morning i think i'm bordering on insanity -rolls eyes around- have been tryin to be upbeat about things since friday night but i think i'm overdoing it a bit.haha! oh wells..well! 10am's the time i'll know how many retests i'll have to sit for..again..i'm optimistic..1 paper at most (any more optimism and i'd say 0 papers).but to be honest.i'm really getting very very edgy this days and i guess i'll just have to be more concious of what i'm doing and how my actions affect others.was relieved to know at antioch meeting yesterday.i'm no longer in-charge of logistics..but the down side of it is.i've been moved to admin.which..like giles says "everything is in place"..oh wells.take what comes and just make do as best as i can i guess..november's going to be packed..got my basic theory test coming wednesday.eileen+justin's wedding mass to play for on sat and their dinner to attend on sunday..and oh..matrix marathon on saturday night with sangar (starts 2330 ends at about 0830 sunday morning).then i've got team weekend to attend in prepartion of antioch camp.and floorball resumes on the 11th -beams- saving grace in my boredom.heh. =P -rolls eyes around again- ok.insanity's catchin up with me too quickly too soon..so pleaseee..friends takin Os and As..hurry up yeah?